Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
