my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
