He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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