did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
