Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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