Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
