I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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