omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
