i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize