you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
