Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
