I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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