Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
