I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
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I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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