someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
