Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
