Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
