Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
