goodnight i made you a song goodbye
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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