Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
