If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
