Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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