I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
