You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
