He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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