I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
