i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
two words...techno handjob
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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