i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And then he peed in my hair
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