I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I could fuck to npr.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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