He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
