If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
