I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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