Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
