quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
