Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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