Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
