shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
