Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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