im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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