I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
