I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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