mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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