i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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