When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
