last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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