You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
