Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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