she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
