I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
