my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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