cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
