You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
