i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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