tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
