quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
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