Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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