She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
