pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
