And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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