it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
