I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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